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Brain Hacking
Have been doing a lot of work in the way of attempted brain hacking lately. ~wry~ It is frustrating when it feels like it isn't sticking, but it helps to remind myself that these behaviors and views that I am trying to now change have had years and years of development, cultivation, and reinforcement.
One big realization that I don't think had really sunk in earlier: I've been feeling lonely and disconnected and overwhelmed for the past few months, and it seems to be getting worse. Well, let's see, what changed about the time that this started? Oh! I pulled up and made the biggest move that I have made in the past four years of living on this coast!
Granted, there were five other moves in there, but they were all in the DC region (Adams Morgan to Bethesda to Alexandria to Woodbridge to Annandale to Springfield) and for the furthest one out, Woodbridge, I moved in with friends. I had assumed that, especially since I'm practically on I-95, that I would still be in what my brain thinks of as the DC area.
I was wrong.
I am apparently, for my brain's intents and purposes, NOT in the DC region anymore. I'm also in a neighborhood with a demographic that I'm not used to, and I am living on my own for the first time since Alexandria, sooo... about two years... and I'm in a house that I own now for the first time ever.
No wonder I'm feeling uprooted. I am uprooted! So for now, I am endeavoring to be patient with myself, and remind myself that it will pass, and that I am doing things that will help with re-establishing human contact (like going to coffee with fellow geeks on Tuesdays). I know some people in Baltimore, too, but at the same time that's apparently a little outside my pain threshold for driving, at least on a regular basis. (I got burned out on that for the three months that I was living with a friend just southeast of the JHU Homewood Campus while I was working at APL and house hunting, but maybe that will heal a bit more with time).
Looking at it from that perspective, things are actually coming along reasonably well. That doesn't always shut the brainloops up, but it is something that helps.
The house is also nearing a state of my being comfortable with inviting people over. I think part of me is scared that nobody will want to come, or is just assuming that it'd be too far of a drive from the DC area for anyone to want to bother (I suspect, more specifically, that it is a part of my self-esteem ~wry~) but I've had one person mention a few times that he'd have come up if I'd have given him more notice, and another mention that I should invite his family up for gaming sometime, so that fear doesn't really have much of a leg to stand on. Not that that shuts it up; it apparently has the ability to levitate, but at least it is a little less scary that way ^_^
~smile~ And to paraphrase something that some awesome people have told me: If I ask for something, it is a lot more likely that I'll receive it.
One big realization that I don't think had really sunk in earlier: I've been feeling lonely and disconnected and overwhelmed for the past few months, and it seems to be getting worse. Well, let's see, what changed about the time that this started? Oh! I pulled up and made the biggest move that I have made in the past four years of living on this coast!
Granted, there were five other moves in there, but they were all in the DC region (Adams Morgan to Bethesda to Alexandria to Woodbridge to Annandale to Springfield) and for the furthest one out, Woodbridge, I moved in with friends. I had assumed that, especially since I'm practically on I-95, that I would still be in what my brain thinks of as the DC area.
I was wrong.
I am apparently, for my brain's intents and purposes, NOT in the DC region anymore. I'm also in a neighborhood with a demographic that I'm not used to, and I am living on my own for the first time since Alexandria, sooo... about two years... and I'm in a house that I own now for the first time ever.
No wonder I'm feeling uprooted. I am uprooted! So for now, I am endeavoring to be patient with myself, and remind myself that it will pass, and that I am doing things that will help with re-establishing human contact (like going to coffee with fellow geeks on Tuesdays). I know some people in Baltimore, too, but at the same time that's apparently a little outside my pain threshold for driving, at least on a regular basis. (I got burned out on that for the three months that I was living with a friend just southeast of the JHU Homewood Campus while I was working at APL and house hunting, but maybe that will heal a bit more with time).
Looking at it from that perspective, things are actually coming along reasonably well. That doesn't always shut the brainloops up, but it is something that helps.
The house is also nearing a state of my being comfortable with inviting people over. I think part of me is scared that nobody will want to come, or is just assuming that it'd be too far of a drive from the DC area for anyone to want to bother (I suspect, more specifically, that it is a part of my self-esteem ~wry~) but I've had one person mention a few times that he'd have come up if I'd have given him more notice, and another mention that I should invite his family up for gaming sometime, so that fear doesn't really have much of a leg to stand on. Not that that shuts it up; it apparently has the ability to levitate, but at least it is a little less scary that way ^_^
~smile~ And to paraphrase something that some awesome people have told me: If I ask for something, it is a lot more likely that I'll receive it.
Re: interesting
Re: interesting
Something to think about for you (I don't know if it fits, but I experienced some of this--so just food for thought): if you go into these things looking to fit in and be accepted by the other participants (or teachers, or whoever), instead of going in looking for what the program has to offer--then when you realize that the program is not exactly right for you and you leave it (or even begin just to express doubt about it being right for you), then it will hurt A LOT that the people no longer are really interested in you and may start seemingly rejecting you (because, it seems that usually people tend to really be into other people who are into the same things they are). In other words--if you are looking for a place to "fit in", but this place is not a good fit--the old stuff about not fitting in comes up and hurts again. At least that is what has happened for me before. The main reason I never got hurt as bad as you apparently did is that I never fully wanted to fit in (take the example of me not conforming in DahnHak by wearing a uniform to class--I rebelled in lots of ways like that). I have taken on the image of myself as "rebel" or "outcast" and decided that THAT fits me, and therefore I EXPECT to be rejected by people no matter what I am doing. Perhaps (this is only a guess) you still want to find a place where you truly CAN fit in--so it's really painful when you are honest with yourself and realize that you don't.
Here is another bit for you to chew on: many many people don't fit in as much as they seem to--they just aren't being honest with others (or very likely themselves)--they want to fit in so bad that they will "pretend" like they do (go with the flow, jump on the bandwagon, act like everyone else is acting, etc.) I know about myself that I don't do that. I will not pretend I got something, agree with something, etc just so that I can "be like everyone else". That feels fake to me and I'd rather be different than feel fake. That's how I could go to something like DahnHak's Healing Chakra class and be crying and upset at the end (thinking I had missed something--because "look at the evidence"--everyone else is happy and "got something"). It has taken me a LONG time to realize that it is VERY likely that there were other people in that same room who were very upset on the inside but afraid to show it because someone would judge them (or whatever.)
I know this is a long comment!! Just know that as I was writing it it was really helping me and clarifying things FOR ME! *LOL* So I don't know if any of this applies in your life or was helpful to you--but thanks for the chance to work some of my own stuff out in your journal!
I really do hope that you get connected in they way that works best for you.
~HUGS~