tcepsa | Self Repairs (Intro)

Here I am, sitting in front of a computer screen. Back when I started this, that's pretty much all there was. Me and a computer screen, writing for fun, for the hell of it, for whatever seemed right to write about at the time. I was just throwing my words into what I figured would be an obscure little journal in the corner of the Internet.

Now, you're out there. I'm typing on a computer screen, but I'm writing to you, with you in mind. Because you'll see it. And what you read will impact how you see me. And I want to make sure that it has the best impact possible. However much it interferes with your life, I want it to be constructive interference.

But I'm not sure that's doing either of us any favors, really. You don't get to see all of me. You don't get to see the parts of me that I don't think you want to see, that I don't think you'd be able to accept. I don't get to express myself as fully because I am holding those parts back. Maybe that works out okay in short terms. It's easier to do on a day-to-day basis without having to wonder, will I lose one of my friends today? Not that it works. I still wonder (read: worry) what people think about my writing and what the consequences of it will be.

That's not really what I want. Henceforth, I'll be making more of an effort to be myself on here, more open and less guarded. You may not notice much change, since I haven't been deliberately misleading. You might notice that my posts have more information in them, though. Maybe even a strong opinion here or there ;) We'll see how it goes. I want to take this approach because ultimately I think it works better for everybody. You'll be able to tell more easily that I either am or am not someone you'd want to read the thoughts of and I'll be able to express myself freely.

Yeah, it's going to be a process. The change will probably be gradual. Maybe it won't stick; I'll get too scared again and drop back. But you'll probably be able to notice it if you compare the posts from this area to the posts I make in a few months. Less talking about what happened, more talking about how I was feeling, what I thought. That's what I'm going for anyway. I'll probably check in a couple of months.

So the challenge: Write like it was just me pouring words onto a computer screen, a hard drive somewhere, through my keyboard, even though I know that you're there, reading me. I accept!

To thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man