Gentle Ribbing

[tcepsa]

This topic somewhat perplexes me, probably because it seems to encompass a social minefield scattered with little bits of gold and precious gems.

It seems like it can have positive effects. Occasionally one of the other members on the team will say something about "long haired tree-huggers" in response to something I've done, but it either doesn't bother me or it strikes me as funny and we get a laugh out of it and carry on. Afterwards, it seems like it's brought us a little closer together somehow, but I'm not entirely sure why. Possibly because the way they say it indicates that they don't really mean it or, at worst, that it's something that they don't personally agree with as a way of life for themselves but they don't really have a problem with the fact that I do it. Maybe it's something else.

On the other hand, it can also be a very short step from that to someone saying the same thing, or almost the same thing, but meaning "I disagree with your life choice and look down upon you as a result."

Why does this sometimes work and sometimes blow up so spectacularly? Do people who use it to hurt others realize what they're doing or are they just that clueless? Do they actually think that it is helping them to bond with that person because they've seen it work that way with others (possibly when others do it)? What separates the two?

Comments

[divinerose.livejournal.com]

It seems that the intent and delivery is the difference. The first instance, it's said in fun and the intent is good. It is said in jest, and produces laughter, which is a bonding mechanism. When said with a different tone, inflection, and with bad intent, it is hurtful and mean.

To me (and I'm suffering through a food coma), the difference is all in the intent.

[reedrover]

Like divinerose said, intent matters. But also content and context matter too. A guy who says "Wow! That's pretty good for a long-haired tree-hugger" in a patronizing tone is going to get a mental kick in the shins. A guy who says "I don't know anything about that; you need to ask the long-haired tree-hugger over there" in a respectful tone is both recognizing your superior knowledge and warning the audience that you are a broader/deeper person than your average two-dimensional geek-in-a-box, and require respect and care and feeding like a real human being.

It hasn't happened to me nearly so much as to CK, so most of my opinion is from observation. As you know, Achaosofkittens is a long-haired engineer. He's also a tree-hugging (drives a Prius!), gourmet-cooking (loves Indian food), hunting-and-fishing (we went on safari) kind of guy. How people relate to him gets really complicated.

What happens to me is usually that I'm either female or too young to know something. *shrug* I'm mostly ok with dealing with that now. I won't change the first, and the second can't change any faster than it is on its own.