Of wanting and having

[tcepsa]

Wanting a thing doesn't get you the thing, it just creates more wanting. Wanting a thing focuses on all of the reasons why you don't/can't/shouldn't have it. Wanting doesn't lead to having, it leads to more wanting, because the more you focus on the reasons that you don't/can't/shouldn't have something, the gloomier your outlook gets until you're either a crushed little person with no self-esteem (I'm not worthy!) or someone who is angry at the world most of the time because it never lets them have what they deserve (I do all this stuff, and what do I get for it? Tears and heartache! It's not fair! I hate you! Because you're obviously the reason that this is going wrong, since I did everything that I was supposed to do so it's clearly not because of me that things aren't working!)


Similarly while wanting creates more wanting, having also creates more having. It works pretty much the same way. If you focus on all of the good/pleasant/happy-making things that you do have, and the different reasons that you should/can/deserve to have it, then you start to see yourself as a worthy/capable/deserving person. This is tricky, however; coming up with reasons to reinforce why you deserve something that you do have will build self-esteem and peace (it is okay for me to have this because I rock!) while coming up with reasons to reinforce why you deserve something you don't have will lead to further discontent (I rock, so I should have this, but I don't have it, so something is wrong! Maybe I don't rock...) In other words, do what you can to use the way the world is to support you (yay me!), instead of using the way you are to criticize the world (you owe me!) If you can do it, though, the more worthy/capable/deserving you see yourself, the more confident you become, the more you attract to yourself the things that you desire. This can be much more difficult than it sounds, because we're conditioned very heavily not to think of ourselves as worthy, deserving people. It's so prevalent that most of automatically, when given a complimenet, either downplay it ("You saved my baby even though broke your arm in the process! You're so wonderful!" "It was nothing...") or reject it entirely ("Nice livingroom" "Well, I'm actually a slob but I did what I could so it would look good for you") whatever it takes to avoid considering the possibility that, yes, we are actually pretty nifty. The next time someone gives you a compliment or says something nice to you, watch your reaction. See what you say. See what you think. See what you do physcially.

Interesting, huh? ;)

Awareness practice (a.k.a. zazen medititation or "just sitting") can be an intense way of doing this, because when you're practicing, the idea is that you focus on just sitting and counting your breaths and watching yourself, both your thoughts and your body. Most people have the tendency of, when a thought comes along, telling themselves "that's good" or, more often, "that's bad" and then proceeding to come up with all sorts of reasons for it. In this form of meditation, one just watches and instead of getting tangled up in the chains of justification, keeps watching. (I hate this.) {Ah, I see.} (This is stupid.) {I see.} (My back hurts.) {Indeed.} (I have to get up and do something!) {Is that so?} Getting started is really probably the hardest part. Getting caught up in a thought and just bringing your mind back to focusing on yourself instead of on that thought is like pulling a stick out of very thick mud that keeps trying to suck it back in. Even harder is avoiding the temptation to get frustrated with yourself--or to pull yourself out of that if you get sucked in. But as you practice more and more, two things become clear: first, that it gets much easier to maintain that centeredness or to return to it after getting caught up in a thought, and second, that those thoughts start to lose their power over you. Just because your back hurts doesn't mean you have to move. Just because you have an itch doesn't mean you have to scratch. Just because you got a compliment doesn't mean you have to deny it...

The more you accept yourself and the world, the more clearly you will see how it truly works. You'll be able to work with it, instead of be worked by it, and you'll never find yourself wanting unless you choose to.

Comments

[nuja.livejournal.com]

Ah. But we've been conditioned to act like we don't want compliments, although many of us remember them long after we've played them down, and add them to our patchwork quilt of Good Reasons we're Good People, or, Ego Security for a Rainy Day.

Some of us actually don't want compliments, and that is a very different story.

Let's talk.