Self Repairs (Main)
May. 4th, 2005 09:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tcepsaRecently, for reasons as yet unknown to me, I have started taking a much more active role in my life. Until very recently, I felt like I was sort of drifting. For a long time. Like, since somewhere in elementary or junior high school. Doing what I felt like I was supposed to do, or expected to do. Be a good boy. Get good grades. Go to college. Get good grades. Get a good, solid, reliable job that pays well and work until you retire. Take as few risks as possible. Stay between the lines.
Reminds me of a part of a song from the musical Into the Woods: "Mother said be good Father said be nice that was always their advice so be good Cinderella nice Cinderella nice good good nice. What's the good of being good if everyone is blind and you're always left behind? Never mind Cinderella kind Cinderella nice good nice kind good nice!"
Bottom line: Build your life around what other people think of you, whether they approve of you and what you're doing. I bought into it big time. How big, I'm still sorting that out. But at least I am working on sorting it out now. I've gotten that far, to the point where I am really taking a look at my life and saying "Does this make sense for me? Is this really what I want? Am I doing this for myself, or because I think someone else wants/expects it of me?"
I've become very clear that my job is definitely something I am doing for someone else. When I look at all of the things that I like doing, and then I look at what I am spending almost half of my waking hours doing, I don't see much in common. Before, I figured I was finally getting a good bargain to be tasked with something I enjoy (programming) for a little bit of the time in exchange for taking on a bunch of other responsibilities that I have little interest or skill in, and little patience for. When I step back and look at it though, I know that's not what I want to be doing for much longer. I do have to finish out my obligation, which ends in August, but the main thing that would keep me there past that would be inability to find somewhere else to go. Before, it was guilt. That's still going to be hard to get past. I cringe every time one of my supervisors asks me what I plan to do once August rolls around, or talks about what an invaluable asset I am for them and how much they need me around (or at least how much they need the projects that I'm on to keep rolling smoothly). Considering how heavily the need to please has been impressed upon me, it's a real challenge for me to say, "I know these are important projects to you, but it really isn't what I enjoy and so I'm going to look elsewhere because I think that there are things out there that I would love doing."
Then there's the money part. I'm scared about money. Growing up there never seemed to be enough to buy fun things. Right now I have a good paying job, and I'm doing my best to hoard my money and keep my debt as low as possible because for some reason I have it in my head that if I end up trying to make money off of something that I find more interesting, I won't be able to make enough to get by--like making things. I enjoy making chainmail, for example, but I doubt that I'd be able to make a living off it. And the task of trying to find a job that would both meet my expenses and be enjoyable seems really daunting to me... but maybe it's time to do that--or at least broaden my scope and start considering more options. ("And I'm sure that I could be a movie star / if I could get outta this place") And figure out how much I really need to get by, and how much I could expect to get from which jobs.
I'm also taking a close look at my relationships and making changes there.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
judyisis and I have been having some long talks lately. On one hand, I believe that relationships are best when they are entered into for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved. However, for me that's somehow gotten twisted into "if you are in a relationship with someone, it is your job to make them happy [or they will leave you or make your life miserable]." That's not where I want to be, but it looks like it is something that is going to take awhile for me to untangle. Not surprising, considering my conditioning. If it's important to be nice and make people in general happy, it's much much more important to make the person I'm in a relationship happy and make sure that all of their needs are met and that they're happy with me all the time and be careful not to do anything that might upset them or make them mad at me.
I'm sure you can all realize how healthy and happy-making that is in the long run. :p
With that in mind Judy and I are rearranging our relationship so that we're more in a place of close friendship. One where I can feel like I don't have to factor her into my decisions any more than my other friends. And where I can learn that I don't have to factor other people into my decisions nearly as much as I do. It's my life, not theirs, and I am working on keeping that in mind and consciously making choices based upon it. It's nice when other people can understand and when mutual agreement can be reached and when everyone is happy, but when it comes down to my happiness or their, I want to be able to choose mine over theirs.
To give you a better idea of what I'm dealing with, writing that last sentence felt vaguely blasphemous. Like it's taboo to choose my happiness over someone else's. Like I should be miserable instead of choosing what I want if someone else will probably choose to be unhappy with me for choosing that. It's going to be a challenge doing that with friends and acquaintences, let alone someone that I'm in an even closer relationship with. So we're backing off to give me the sense of freedom that I need to try to work through this. Once I am able to stand up for what I want with friends and acquaintances without feeling guilty for choosing myself over them, then maybe I will be ready to try for it in a more serious relationship. For the near future, though, the most involved I'm likely to get is friendship and casual dating. And if you see me starting to slip with this, I'd appreciate a gentle reminder; it's probably going to be the hardest part of the whole process :)
That's basically where I'm at right now. Trying to take an honest look at what I really want, things I really want to do, and then actually trying to figure out how to make them happen instead of sitting around saying "I wish I could do this," or "I'd love to try that but I can't because..." And trying to put my life together the way I want it.
That having been said, could someone please toss me the duct tape?
Reminds me of a part of a song from the musical Into the Woods: "Mother said be good Father said be nice that was always their advice so be good Cinderella nice Cinderella nice good good nice. What's the good of being good if everyone is blind and you're always left behind? Never mind Cinderella kind Cinderella nice good nice kind good nice!"
Bottom line: Build your life around what other people think of you, whether they approve of you and what you're doing. I bought into it big time. How big, I'm still sorting that out. But at least I am working on sorting it out now. I've gotten that far, to the point where I am really taking a look at my life and saying "Does this make sense for me? Is this really what I want? Am I doing this for myself, or because I think someone else wants/expects it of me?"
I've become very clear that my job is definitely something I am doing for someone else. When I look at all of the things that I like doing, and then I look at what I am spending almost half of my waking hours doing, I don't see much in common. Before, I figured I was finally getting a good bargain to be tasked with something I enjoy (programming) for a little bit of the time in exchange for taking on a bunch of other responsibilities that I have little interest or skill in, and little patience for. When I step back and look at it though, I know that's not what I want to be doing for much longer. I do have to finish out my obligation, which ends in August, but the main thing that would keep me there past that would be inability to find somewhere else to go. Before, it was guilt. That's still going to be hard to get past. I cringe every time one of my supervisors asks me what I plan to do once August rolls around, or talks about what an invaluable asset I am for them and how much they need me around (or at least how much they need the projects that I'm on to keep rolling smoothly). Considering how heavily the need to please has been impressed upon me, it's a real challenge for me to say, "I know these are important projects to you, but it really isn't what I enjoy and so I'm going to look elsewhere because I think that there are things out there that I would love doing."
Then there's the money part. I'm scared about money. Growing up there never seemed to be enough to buy fun things. Right now I have a good paying job, and I'm doing my best to hoard my money and keep my debt as low as possible because for some reason I have it in my head that if I end up trying to make money off of something that I find more interesting, I won't be able to make enough to get by--like making things. I enjoy making chainmail, for example, but I doubt that I'd be able to make a living off it. And the task of trying to find a job that would both meet my expenses and be enjoyable seems really daunting to me... but maybe it's time to do that--or at least broaden my scope and start considering more options. ("And I'm sure that I could be a movie star / if I could get outta this place") And figure out how much I really need to get by, and how much I could expect to get from which jobs.
I'm also taking a close look at my relationships and making changes there.
judyisis and I have been having some long talks lately. On one hand, I believe that relationships are best when they are entered into for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved. However, for me that's somehow gotten twisted into "if you are in a relationship with someone, it is your job to make them happy [or they will leave you or make your life miserable]." That's not where I want to be, but it looks like it is something that is going to take awhile for me to untangle. Not surprising, considering my conditioning. If it's important to be nice and make people in general happy, it's much much more important to make the person I'm in a relationship happy and make sure that all of their needs are met and that they're happy with me all the time and be careful not to do anything that might upset them or make them mad at me.I'm sure you can all realize how healthy and happy-making that is in the long run. :p
With that in mind Judy and I are rearranging our relationship so that we're more in a place of close friendship. One where I can feel like I don't have to factor her into my decisions any more than my other friends. And where I can learn that I don't have to factor other people into my decisions nearly as much as I do. It's my life, not theirs, and I am working on keeping that in mind and consciously making choices based upon it. It's nice when other people can understand and when mutual agreement can be reached and when everyone is happy, but when it comes down to my happiness or their, I want to be able to choose mine over theirs.
To give you a better idea of what I'm dealing with, writing that last sentence felt vaguely blasphemous. Like it's taboo to choose my happiness over someone else's. Like I should be miserable instead of choosing what I want if someone else will probably choose to be unhappy with me for choosing that. It's going to be a challenge doing that with friends and acquaintences, let alone someone that I'm in an even closer relationship with. So we're backing off to give me the sense of freedom that I need to try to work through this. Once I am able to stand up for what I want with friends and acquaintances without feeling guilty for choosing myself over them, then maybe I will be ready to try for it in a more serious relationship. For the near future, though, the most involved I'm likely to get is friendship and casual dating. And if you see me starting to slip with this, I'd appreciate a gentle reminder; it's probably going to be the hardest part of the whole process :)
That's basically where I'm at right now. Trying to take an honest look at what I really want, things I really want to do, and then actually trying to figure out how to make them happen instead of sitting around saying "I wish I could do this," or "I'd love to try that but I can't because..." And trying to put my life together the way I want it.
That having been said, could someone please toss me the duct tape?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-05-05 03:46 am (UTC)You're doing a lot of good thinking and contemplation. Ganbatte! Learning to live life for yourself is probably one of the most difficult things that people have to learn. I'm also pretty convinced that you'll do just fine.
-Jim
no subject
Date: 2005-05-05 12:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-05 11:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-05 12:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-05 12:27 pm (UTC)I have more thoughts but they are rather scattered.
Thank you for letting me have a glimpse into this.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-05 12:54 pm (UTC)It looks like I'll probably be home this evening--was going to try to have friends from work over to watch some Eddie Izzard, but that has apparently fallen through--and if your thoughts come together I would like to hear them :)
no subject
Date: 2005-05-06 05:31 am (UTC)yay you.
:)
no subject
Date: 2005-05-06 11:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-06 07:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-06 09:33 pm (UTC)