Bare Emotions (in the raw!)
Sep. 9th, 2004 07:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tcepsaI think that's a pretty good description of what I'm feeling right now. Work has let up a little bit, which is really nice, but something else is really gnawing at me right now. I'm not sure what is is, either, which just adds to the whole effect. Maybe this will help me unravel it a bit more. I'm sure the upcoming move has a lot to do with it. Trying to make sure that I've tied up all the loose ends here and am ready to make the transition next week. I think part of it is due to the fact that it's going to be a multi-layer process, whereas last time I basically just kept throwing stuff in the car until it was full, then made a trip, unloaded, came back, did it again, and that was pretty much it. This time I sign the lease on Tuesday, hopefully move the heavy furniture on Wednesday, haul a load of boxes Thursday, and then the rest of the boxes on Saturday.
Now that I think about it, I can recall having this feeling before, twice. Once when I came out here for my summer internship back in the summer of 2001, and once when I came out here with a former girlfriend looking for a place to live. In fact, I think that I had it a bit when I moved last time as well, but it wasn't nearly as strong. The first time I think it was mainly because I was leaving everything that I knew behind and moving to a strange place to do a job I'd never done before and I didn't even have a place lined up to live. Hehe, when I put it that way, it makes a lot more sense than it did at the time.
The time I was here with my ex... heh, I'm still trying to figure that one out. We'd taken a road trip to find both of us places to live, and had gone to her new city first, and that had gone pretty smoothly. Things started to go downhill on the day we left there and headed for DC. I think part of it was that she had pretty much taken charge of the trip up until that part, and then it's like she wanted to switch the reigns over to me and have me make the decisions for the DC leg. It made sense, since I was the one who was going to be living there, etc. However, I was totally unprepared for it and not really expecting it. I had lived in the DC metro area for a summer, sure, but I was still almost completely unfamiliar with navigating the area. Plus, I had spent my entire life up to that point living either with my family or in a college dorm, with two exceptions (the summer in DC and two summers before that, selling books door to door, but for that I lived up in the Twin Cities which was still close enough to home for me to feel that I had that safety net there--actually, that's another time I've had this sensation! Delivery week on the bookfield... interesting... but I digress!) Bottom line, I was not mentally ready to take on the task of finding a place to stay in DC over the course of three days. On top of that, I felt like I was on trial a bit or something, like she was expecting me to be as good at finding a place here as she was at finding her new home. I had expected her help and suggestions, and basically--for whatever reason--she wasn't offering much of either. I was looking for someplace that I could afford on a starting salary of a little less than 40,000, and in DC that meant we ended up in a lot of scary neighborhoods. I'd say that's the worst that this feeling has been--it was so strong that I could barely eat for those three days. For those of you with an interest in psychology, here's a freebie case study: I think of myself as being able to deal well with many situations. I've been on several canoe trips to the boundary waters. I've gone on two 10-day backpacking expeditions in New Mexico--once as the lead Scout, and once as an adult leader. For all of those, I was great at navigating. However, in DC, I could hardly get from the Navy Memorial to Adams Morgan without sending her down a one-way (she insisted on driving--probably for the best, considering the state I was in) and having her take several left-turns (which, if you've ever driven in downtown DC, you'll know are just awful). Damn one-ways... Anyway, my point is that under those conditions, my competency was just shot to hell. And it wasn't just navigating. For whatever reason, I was horrified to talk to people too. Like to call and set up appointments to view appointments--the reason that I was there in the first place. Yeah. It was really bad. Fortunately this time it's not quite so terrifying, since I'm a little bit more familiar with it.
In fact, I think that in the process of my rambling, I've figured out at least a good chunk of what's bothering me. I feel like I don't have any room to make a mistake. That's why the last move didn't bother me too much; it was just me hauling my stuff, and since my roommate was staying at the apartment, it was okay if I didn't have all my stuff moved out on the day that I moved into my new place. Before, when I was looking with my ex, I only had three days and this relatively experienced person judging me (so I felt) and every little mistake only served to intensify the situation. That would explain why it's getting bad this time, too--this is the biggest move I've ever tried to do, and it's got several different facets. First, signing the lease on Tuesday--shouldn't be too hard. Wednesday I'll be renting a truck and at least one friend (hopefully more ;) will be helping me to move the furniture that I'm buying, which is in two totally different places than where I am right now. That's one part that I'm nervous about. The other part that I'm nervous about is Saturday. I've had several friends offer to help me move on Saturday, and I'm very grateful for that, but--and here's where I suspect most of this lump in my gut and squeezing behind my eyes is coming from--I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the same thing that happened when I came out here to look for apartments will happen again, only this time it won't just be one person who sees my horrible incompetence, it'll be pretty much all of my closest friends that I have made since coming to DC (and a few from back home). While the more rational parts of my mind tell me that it's precisely because they are my closest friends that I don't have to worry about it because even if I do screw up they'll still be my friends, the less rational parts keep saying, "Remember what happened last time you tried something like this?"
So, if you happen to be one of those close friends, thanks a million in advance for being there for me, and apologies in advance for if I go slightly crazy during this transition (freaking out to you about how I can't do this, crying on you, etc.), and for if I'm not 100% organized and on top of everything. Fortunately, I've got better support this time too, so by the time it's actually time to move, I think things will go just fine ^_^ Now that I've got a better idea of where this is coming from, I think I'll be able to do a lot to help put those fears to rest.
Now that I think about it, I can recall having this feeling before, twice. Once when I came out here for my summer internship back in the summer of 2001, and once when I came out here with a former girlfriend looking for a place to live. In fact, I think that I had it a bit when I moved last time as well, but it wasn't nearly as strong. The first time I think it was mainly because I was leaving everything that I knew behind and moving to a strange place to do a job I'd never done before and I didn't even have a place lined up to live. Hehe, when I put it that way, it makes a lot more sense than it did at the time.
The time I was here with my ex... heh, I'm still trying to figure that one out. We'd taken a road trip to find both of us places to live, and had gone to her new city first, and that had gone pretty smoothly. Things started to go downhill on the day we left there and headed for DC. I think part of it was that she had pretty much taken charge of the trip up until that part, and then it's like she wanted to switch the reigns over to me and have me make the decisions for the DC leg. It made sense, since I was the one who was going to be living there, etc. However, I was totally unprepared for it and not really expecting it. I had lived in the DC metro area for a summer, sure, but I was still almost completely unfamiliar with navigating the area. Plus, I had spent my entire life up to that point living either with my family or in a college dorm, with two exceptions (the summer in DC and two summers before that, selling books door to door, but for that I lived up in the Twin Cities which was still close enough to home for me to feel that I had that safety net there--actually, that's another time I've had this sensation! Delivery week on the bookfield... interesting... but I digress!) Bottom line, I was not mentally ready to take on the task of finding a place to stay in DC over the course of three days. On top of that, I felt like I was on trial a bit or something, like she was expecting me to be as good at finding a place here as she was at finding her new home. I had expected her help and suggestions, and basically--for whatever reason--she wasn't offering much of either. I was looking for someplace that I could afford on a starting salary of a little less than 40,000, and in DC that meant we ended up in a lot of scary neighborhoods. I'd say that's the worst that this feeling has been--it was so strong that I could barely eat for those three days. For those of you with an interest in psychology, here's a freebie case study: I think of myself as being able to deal well with many situations. I've been on several canoe trips to the boundary waters. I've gone on two 10-day backpacking expeditions in New Mexico--once as the lead Scout, and once as an adult leader. For all of those, I was great at navigating. However, in DC, I could hardly get from the Navy Memorial to Adams Morgan without sending her down a one-way (she insisted on driving--probably for the best, considering the state I was in) and having her take several left-turns (which, if you've ever driven in downtown DC, you'll know are just awful). Damn one-ways... Anyway, my point is that under those conditions, my competency was just shot to hell. And it wasn't just navigating. For whatever reason, I was horrified to talk to people too. Like to call and set up appointments to view appointments--the reason that I was there in the first place. Yeah. It was really bad. Fortunately this time it's not quite so terrifying, since I'm a little bit more familiar with it.
In fact, I think that in the process of my rambling, I've figured out at least a good chunk of what's bothering me. I feel like I don't have any room to make a mistake. That's why the last move didn't bother me too much; it was just me hauling my stuff, and since my roommate was staying at the apartment, it was okay if I didn't have all my stuff moved out on the day that I moved into my new place. Before, when I was looking with my ex, I only had three days and this relatively experienced person judging me (so I felt) and every little mistake only served to intensify the situation. That would explain why it's getting bad this time, too--this is the biggest move I've ever tried to do, and it's got several different facets. First, signing the lease on Tuesday--shouldn't be too hard. Wednesday I'll be renting a truck and at least one friend (hopefully more ;) will be helping me to move the furniture that I'm buying, which is in two totally different places than where I am right now. That's one part that I'm nervous about. The other part that I'm nervous about is Saturday. I've had several friends offer to help me move on Saturday, and I'm very grateful for that, but--and here's where I suspect most of this lump in my gut and squeezing behind my eyes is coming from--I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the same thing that happened when I came out here to look for apartments will happen again, only this time it won't just be one person who sees my horrible incompetence, it'll be pretty much all of my closest friends that I have made since coming to DC (and a few from back home). While the more rational parts of my mind tell me that it's precisely because they are my closest friends that I don't have to worry about it because even if I do screw up they'll still be my friends, the less rational parts keep saying, "Remember what happened last time you tried something like this?"
So, if you happen to be one of those close friends, thanks a million in advance for being there for me, and apologies in advance for if I go slightly crazy during this transition (freaking out to you about how I can't do this, crying on you, etc.), and for if I'm not 100% organized and on top of everything. Fortunately, I've got better support this time too, so by the time it's actually time to move, I think things will go just fine ^_^ Now that I've got a better idea of where this is coming from, I think I'll be able to do a lot to help put those fears to rest.
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-09 11:05 pm (UTC)A. You HAVE a place already
B. You already know where the stuff is that you need to take. Elevator rented, etc...
C. People to help, offer suggestions.
D. You know where you're going this time! and its not one way streets.
So right there are 4 good points. You know whats happening, when its pretty much happening, and you know what you need. Now just carry out the semi-organized plan and it'll all come together, ok? Good... now that its after 2 AM and I still can't sleep, I think I'll go lay in bed for a while thinking about my random.... things I think about!
no subject
Date: 2004-09-10 05:01 am (UTC)And you're right about the other stuff as well; basically, all I really have to do now as far as preparation goes is rent the truck, set up the times, and finish getting all my stuff into boxes :)
Sorry to hear that you weren't able to sleep! Hopefully things will be less hectic today *crosses fingers*
Reassurance
Date: 2004-09-10 04:53 am (UTC)Will there be mistakes? Maybe. But now I don't think that I'm going to lose anything really important to me because of them ^_^
Re: Reassurance
Date: 2004-09-11 08:11 am (UTC)Looking forward to Saturday. You bettter believe it.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-11 08:26 am (UTC)