tcepsa | Psycho Chemistry

Right, so last night going to bed and this morning for the first hour and a half or so were hellish. I wish this wasn’t happening, that I’d stop doing this to myself, but I can’t seem to maintain control on it (which, of course, only tends to make it worse). It’s like my mind was in a hamster wheel… of DOOM! So that whole time, basically, my stomach/intestines felt like the butterflies you get before doing something you’re really scared to do, only magnified a lot and made of some sort of very strong acid. Do any of you know what causes that? What happens in the brain that makes it happen, and what happens in the body to create that sensation?

I'm going to stop and take a minute here to clarify that, no, that wasn't due to anyone's fault. It was one of my own processes, and some recent events have just been providing it with rich content. To give an example of what I mean by a process, worrying is a process. What you worry about is the content. They're different. Even if the content goes away (the thing you're worrying about doesn't happen), the process is usually still be there (you'll find something else to worry about). Moments like this, when I'm not so caught up in the process, I think that it's actually good that it's happening. By being able to watch how it works, understand that part of myself, I can keep it from having so much power over me. It's just that, for whatever reason, I have trouble keeping myself from getting too wrapped up in this particular one ;) I'm getting better about it, though. In the meantime, I'm really glad to have made some friends who are helping me through this, because it's really something I want to be free of, but I don't think I could do it alone. Okay now, on with the show!

The second part is that as I was riding the metro, two things happened almost simultaneously, and apparently spontaneously. First, the burning acid/butterfly feeling was overcome by a really warm sensation, and second it’s like my brain jumped out of the hamster wheel it had been scampering in. I’m really, really glad that it did! I just wish I could make it happen more often ;) Again, does anyone know how this stuff works as far as psychosomatics go? It's about an hour and a half later now, and that warm feeling is still there. That acid feeling threatened to make another appearance, but again the warmth... it's hard to describe. It's like it's dissolving that sensation (hehe, ironic, dissolving acid ;)