Unconditional Love

[tcepsa]

This has crossed my mind a few times recently, and has been making enough of a clamor that I've decided to write at least some of it down. So here, I present to you my ramblings about unconditional love and why it's a dangerous ideal.

Seems like a simple enough concept: love that doesn't have any conditions on it. Loving someone unconditionally means that you love them and will continue to love them regardless of what they do/are. Anything else, to me, and it seems like it would become a misnomer. Furthermore, it seems like an all-or-nothing kind of thing; either you love everyone unconditionally, or you don't love anybody unconditionally. If you try to pick one person and say, "I love you unconditionally," then it's kind of an oxymoron. It can't be unconditional love because it comes with the condition that it only applies to them; if they were someone else you wouldn't love them anymore.

I do think it is possible to love unconditionally. But I also think that the type of love that it is possible for me to give unconditionally is... limited. It's a kind of general "I hope that you will continue to grow personally for your entire life," sentiment--and even that might turn out to be conditional; I might not be able to love someone like that if they made it their personal mission to turn my life into a living hell (and I don't care to experiment!)

Between that, and some of the other thinking that I've been doing about validation/getting my own needs met/taking care of myself, it seems like it would be unhealthy to try to make any more in-depth love unconditional. Disregarding the "can't love only one person unconditionally" statement from before, even trying to do that seems like it would not be a good plan. People change. If they start taking advantage of that love and using it to overrun my life, I'd basically just have to let them do it if I were sticking to the "Oh, I love them unconditionally so even though they're now a complete asshole it would betray our love if I tried to stop them." Even if they weren't being a complete asshole, this concept of unconditional love still seems like it's at least a next door neighbor to codependency, if not a housemate!


Thoughts?

Comments

[bluejai.livejournal.com]

I guess it depends on the type of love you're talking about. There are various types of love that come (and go) depending on the type of relationship.

If you're speaking of romantic love, no I don't believe in unconditional either. There are just too many variables to guarantee it.

[emeraldliz.livejournal.com]

Love doesn't need to be conditional.

Relationships should be.

[museclio]

What about parent/child? Is it/should it be unconditional?

[grum]

Yes, it would, ideally, be unconditional.
This does not mean that the child's behaviour should not have boundaries. It also does not mean that the parent's behaviour should not have boundaries.

[grum]

Breathe...
(my appologies if this is abrupt)

"If they start taking advantage of that love and using it to overrun my life, I'd basically just have to let them do it if I were sticking to the "Oh, I love them unconditionally so even though they're now a complete asshole it would betray our love if I tried to stop them.""

No. That is not how it works. You can love someone and have it not be safe to be in the same room with them. You can love someone and need to get as far away from them as possible. Keeping yourself safe and loving someone are two very different sets of concerns.

Love is never an appropriate justification for abuse.

I'm still not sure I can successfully pull off unconditional love, but I do know that I'll not manage it if I don't work towards conditional (and healthy) boundaries.

[purplepathos.livejournal.com]

I think that unconditional love is a nice ideal, but not terribly realistic. It is possible to stop loving someone over time... even in a parent-child relationship, which seems like it should be unconditional. Experience and observation have shown me that there is no such thing.

It makes me a little happy to know that there are people who actually can believe in it, though.

[nminusone.livejournal.com]

I had a math teacher who used to say "Infinity is not a number, it's a concept." I think unconditional love is a concept, and for most people a limit they can never actually reach. I think it's much more useful as a goal to work towards, for people who need to move in that direction.

I also agree with your assessment of the (potential) problems of unconditonal love. Whether or not it's desirable to love someone you can't be around is another question, but for some people love does create a risk of being used. It may be those people need to work away from unconditional love, at least until they can set up better boundaries.

As for unconditional love having to include everyone, I see your point but I don't think most people use the term in that way. A possible middle ground is a friend of mine: few people earn her love, but once they do it's pretty far towards the "unconditional" ideal.

[kiss-kass.livejournal.com]

A couple of thoughts...

You don't love everyone unconditionally any more than you love everyone romantically. Ther are no conditions for that one person. It doesn't mean that there are no parameters on how many people you love. I love my daughter unconditionally. She can be a class A, champion PMSing little witch and I'll still love her. I love my guy unconditionally. He can be grumpy, annoying, or a general pain in the butt and I'll still love him.

I don't love my neighbors unconditionally and I don't love my co-workers unconditionally. I like most of them. I am polite to all of them. I show them the appropriate respect due them, but if they are annoying or witchy too often, they're off the Christmas card list.

Of course, loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean you put up with a lot of BS either. When my daughter is a class A, champion PMSing litle witch, I tell her to shape up or lock herself in her room. Feeling yucky isn't an excuse for treating others badly. When she's mouthy, she gets called on the carpet. Just because I love her even when she's a little witch doesn't mean I'm going to put up with her lip. When my guy is grumpy or annoying, I tell him so. I offer to do what I can to make things better, but I am not going to sit back and get pummled for no reason. I do those things because I love them unconditionally. If I didn't, the door wouldn't hit me on the way out.

Unconditional love is as much loving someone enough to put a mirror in front of their faces and make them acknowledge when things are wrong as it is having fun and being all happy happy joy joy.