Unconditional Love
Feb. 19th, 2007 01:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tcepsaThis has crossed my mind a few times recently, and has been making enough of a clamor that I've decided to write at least some of it down. So here, I present to you my ramblings about unconditional love and why it's a dangerous ideal.
Seems like a simple enough concept: love that doesn't have any conditions on it. Loving someone unconditionally means that you love them and will continue to love them regardless of what they do/are. Anything else, to me, and it seems like it would become a misnomer. Furthermore, it seems like an all-or-nothing kind of thing; either you love everyone unconditionally, or you don't love anybody unconditionally. If you try to pick one person and say, "I love you unconditionally," then it's kind of an oxymoron. It can't be unconditional love because it comes with the condition that it only applies to them; if they were someone else you wouldn't love them anymore.
I do think it is possible to love unconditionally. But I also think that the type of love that it is possible for me to give unconditionally is... limited. It's a kind of general "I hope that you will continue to grow personally for your entire life," sentiment--and even that might turn out to be conditional; I might not be able to love someone like that if they made it their personal mission to turn my life into a living hell (and I don't care to experiment!)
Between that, and some of the other thinking that I've been doing about validation/getting my own needs met/taking care of myself, it seems like it would be unhealthy to try to make any more in-depth love unconditional. Disregarding the "can't love only one person unconditionally" statement from before, even trying to do that seems like it would not be a good plan. People change. If they start taking advantage of that love and using it to overrun my life, I'd basically just have to let them do it if I were sticking to the "Oh, I love them unconditionally so even though they're now a complete asshole it would betray our love if I tried to stop them." Even if they weren't being a complete asshole, this concept of unconditional love still seems like it's at least a next door neighbor to codependency, if not a housemate!
Thoughts?
Seems like a simple enough concept: love that doesn't have any conditions on it. Loving someone unconditionally means that you love them and will continue to love them regardless of what they do/are. Anything else, to me, and it seems like it would become a misnomer. Furthermore, it seems like an all-or-nothing kind of thing; either you love everyone unconditionally, or you don't love anybody unconditionally. If you try to pick one person and say, "I love you unconditionally," then it's kind of an oxymoron. It can't be unconditional love because it comes with the condition that it only applies to them; if they were someone else you wouldn't love them anymore.
I do think it is possible to love unconditionally. But I also think that the type of love that it is possible for me to give unconditionally is... limited. It's a kind of general "I hope that you will continue to grow personally for your entire life," sentiment--and even that might turn out to be conditional; I might not be able to love someone like that if they made it their personal mission to turn my life into a living hell (and I don't care to experiment!)
Between that, and some of the other thinking that I've been doing about validation/getting my own needs met/taking care of myself, it seems like it would be unhealthy to try to make any more in-depth love unconditional. Disregarding the "can't love only one person unconditionally" statement from before, even trying to do that seems like it would not be a good plan. People change. If they start taking advantage of that love and using it to overrun my life, I'd basically just have to let them do it if I were sticking to the "Oh, I love them unconditionally so even though they're now a complete asshole it would betray our love if I tried to stop them." Even if they weren't being a complete asshole, this concept of unconditional love still seems like it's at least a next door neighbor to codependency, if not a housemate!
Thoughts?
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-20 03:18 pm (UTC)You don't love everyone unconditionally any more than you love everyone romantically. Ther are no conditions for that one person. It doesn't mean that there are no parameters on how many people you love. I love my daughter unconditionally. She can be a class A, champion PMSing little witch and I'll still love her. I love my guy unconditionally. He can be grumpy, annoying, or a general pain in the butt and I'll still love him.
I don't love my neighbors unconditionally and I don't love my co-workers unconditionally. I like most of them. I am polite to all of them. I show them the appropriate respect due them, but if they are annoying or witchy too often, they're off the Christmas card list.
Of course, loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean you put up with a lot of BS either. When my daughter is a class A, champion PMSing litle witch, I tell her to shape up or lock herself in her room. Feeling yucky isn't an excuse for treating others badly. When she's mouthy, she gets called on the carpet. Just because I love her even when she's a little witch doesn't mean I'm going to put up with her lip. When my guy is grumpy or annoying, I tell him so. I offer to do what I can to make things better, but I am not going to sit back and get pummled for no reason. I do those things because I love them unconditionally. If I didn't, the door wouldn't hit me on the way out.
Unconditional love is as much loving someone enough to put a mirror in front of their faces and make them acknowledge when things are wrong as it is having fun and being all happy happy joy joy.